months gone by

It's been a while since I wrote here. I don't write blogs as much as I used to. Not since xanga. No one's probably reading, so i can get away with writing anything basically.

So summer has gone by without an update. So here's a quick update.

June- reassessed my life, jumped into the Full Sail pool after a tour. Gave my two weeks and watched the sands of time slip away. enjoyed every last minute of being in Jacksonville.

July- moved to Winter Park, FL. Got used to life as a bachelor. Forgot things that hurt and opened new wounds. Did some things I couldn't do in Jacksonville. When you're alone and stressed, you do some things you wish you didn't. Didn't perform until I got my place and new life straightened out. Missed performing. especially with pasalamat. Made new friends.

August - new roommate. excited at first, but soon grew to resentment. still cool though. started performing again. Met new people. Met new interest, floating feelings returned. We get along good (i hope). Keeping cards close to the chest until I feel her slipping away from me, then will lay the hand down, hoping she'll fold.

September - decided to renew ways. plenty of time to think. started questioning my decision to move to Winter Park. Missed home much. 2/4 weekends spent in Arlington. Roommate is going back to Cali. Going to miss him actually, despite our differences and my annoyance. Made fantasy football team - taking my time up.

So that's that. But I would like to explain life on my own.

It's lonely at times, but I'm a lonely person, so it works. I've been keeping my mind occupied with class, church, comic books and House. I didn't realize how much I miss life at home with the family. I'm missing things. I barely recognize my house! My dad did so much renovations to the place that it all looks different. My dog still recognizes me. But I soon fear he will forget me lol. I never thought I'd miss the nagging of my parents, and homemade cooking. My sister has changed as well for the better, while I have changed for the worst. I'm missing what's going on in Arlington. My friends are doing good things and new people are moving in and maybe replacing me.

But here, I am a new man. Not so new as people knew of me from before. I tried to change my persona into a cool, quiet confident person. But my shining personality prevailed and I'm the loud, joker. I'm closer to the Guingabs than I ever was. They have helped me adapt to life here in Orlando so much. So glad to have them again. Met new people here. I'm starting to feel things for a girl here. She's awesome. The best personality I have ever interacted with. She's cute and joyful and receptive to my attempts at humor. It's everything I have ever wanted. I've actually started praying for this to work someday. Don't know where it will go. God's will. But I won't run if it doesn't work. I still have work to do down here. The quicker it gets done, the quicker I can leave.

I'm slowly starting to fit in.

Do You Care?

I think to some degree, we all care what people think about us. No matter how we try to fight it, we are victims of fate. We say we don't care what people think and we will do whatever we want/say whatever we want. But in fact we ARE molding and conforming ourselves to the exact opposite of what we want to accomplish. The other party is controlling us and our self consciousness.

It's easier to stop pleasing everyone and live life for our own and whoever sticks around is the true time-tested friend. But isn't it worth fighting for to please the greater amount of people? You build your network by AT LEAST pretending to please them.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

It feels like people pick and choose friends, drop and gain friends for fun. It's a cruel game that is often played, this time at my expense. But whatever. I don't care. It gives me an excuse to lash out at the fake people. Seriously. Some people had a power trip and I had to get away from it. I hope it was a slap in the face of their authority too. I literally walked out of THEIR choir practice and I don't think I'll ever go back, not until our benevolent dictator is dethroned. It was that and the solfage and the needlessly long practices and the hypocrisy of the leadership that finally put the final nail in the coffin. I didn't like the direction it was going, and since suggestions are ignored bluntly, I figured why bother? Perhaps now I can concentrate more on missionary work. But seriously, I don't know what the deal is. I know I should confront and assess the manner with him, but I can't stand to look at him, much less be in the same vicinity as him. Either he goes, or I go. I could've gone the low road and pointed all of his deficiencies, but I have class and grace. So I will not go the low road as is the manner of some. Ironically, it is low of me to express this sentiment about people on a blog, but I need to vent out.

But this gives me the motivation to definitely move out to another place. So UWF and Pensacola didn't really work out. To drive 6 hours back and forth, it didn't really appeal to me. I don't know how I could cope! My car won't make it back and forth! So I decided to try Orlando.

I am applying to Orlando's Full Sail University. Why fight it? I am a film buff. I have so many options there. I could either go the Film track, the Entertainment Business track and be an agent, or I could go the Video Gaming track. I have no doubts. Though the cost is EXPENSIVE as hell, it hasn't moved me. The world will probably be over before I finish paying off student loans anyway. Orlando is close to home about 2-3 hours out. Orlando is bustling with activity and there's a big locale nearby. And most importantly, there are theme parks out the ass in Orlando!!! I can even persuade my friends to make the move down with me! My high school buddies have always been talking about it, and perhaps this will be the year we make good on those conversations. It's time to be somebody and put our high school knowledge to good use!

However there are a few things that have gotten me a little unnerved. Two of my coworkers graduated from Full Sail and are working at the station with me. One as a studio tech, MY POSITION, and the other as a Director. Is this where I'm going to be after I graduate? I don't think so. I think I have the drive to rise above this all and make it big. If not, I can go into the master's program in Entertainment Business. Hopefully the job market is back to speed by the time I graduate. Barack Obama better make good on his promise for change. I disagree with what he stands for, but thats a blog for another time.

Honestly after almost a year in the News Business, I'm almost worn out. I think it's great we are now supposed to take a mandatory 2 weeks off for for the rest of the year. I don't think I've taken more than a day off this year. It's insane! Waking up at 4:30 every morning with less than 5 hours of sleep every night. It's taking a toll on me. Now I have to do double the amount of work I'm accustomed to, with obsessive-compulsive directors and producers riding my ass everyday. It's become a challenge and a burden I'm not happy with right now. Yes, this is the perfect time to move out! T-Minus less than 2 months and counting: July 29, 2009.

Rivalry and Competition

I think it's safe to say that we all have rivalries. There are people that you just feel like you have to measure up to - or compete with - by instinct. You can't explain why you rival them, you just do. The thrill is in the chase? But there comes a time, when either you or they go up a class. When that happens, you are no match for them anymore. They have defeated you and have moved on to face other rivals. Until you can catch up to them, don't even bother competing with them. Find new rivals or get ahead in life.

I'm not gonna be a punk anymore though. It's hard, but I need to take the high road. There's so much to say but nowhere to say it. I can only scream it into my drink.

"Anything in my life is open game to creative control."

Work.

Around the 9th month at jobs I have, I get very restless and discontent. I don't want to say that I'm lazy, but it feels along the lines of feeling like I'm growing too big for my skin. If I didn't switch to the Morning Show from nightside, I probably wouldve been gone or insane by now. I can honestly say, I don't like to get stale in my jobs. I need change, rapid change. But most importantly, creative control. Which being someone who takes direction and carries it out, offers none.

When I used to do art regularly in High School, there were times where I'd spend hours working on something. I need a job like that where time would just fly by. Right now, it's just hurry up and wait. I'd like to craft my directions not take them.

But oh well, I'm just gonna stick it out. There's nothing I can do. Now that I need to start providing for myself, it's out of hte question to just give it all away. I'm in a great job, with opportunity for advancement (so I've been told), I just have to stick it out and have a tough skin.

MY ideal job would be to write and make films. It's just so bizarre and misunderstood that some people may think it's a bad investment. And yes, it's who you know, not what you know. But I know a higher power, UP ABOVE.

If i wasn't taking broadcasting, I'd take visual arts.

But as for everything else, I can feel everything getting better. I can't wait to see where things go for once. I don't dread the future. I don't want to be so sure of myself, but I feel like everything is lighter and brighter.

Born a Ramblin' Man

I haven't lived in one place my entire life. I often wonder how different my life and the lives of others would be affected if I did. I consider my life to have began at 4 years old. For at that age, I could make decisions - guided and supervised albeit, feel guilt and remorse, have small harmless crushes, and make friends in some capacity. I started school at that age. But now fast forward to 21 and I've been to places like Virginia Beach, I've lived there for 8 years! Yokosuka, Japan - been there for 3-4 years, and Jacksonville going on 4 years here. By now, I've been used to the idea of moving. And I embrace it.

Which is why I applied to UWF in Pensacola. By nature, I needed to find a new place. Acquire new friends and experiences. Look for things that I can't find in Jacksonville. I was adamant about going to UWF this summer. But I decided against that at the last minute.

I'm still holding on to something here in Jacksonville. My job, it would be unlikely that I could find a job of this caliber again. If I have to go back to cashiering and food service, I would consider myself a fail. I still have my friends from High School, the last remaining bastion of cool people from D.A. Though we haven't gone on to do other things on the road to fame like our classmates, we kept it real and in touch in the River City. I think we're tighter than we were in the past, and I can't just let go of that just because I want to move. It's hard to leave because of the small things too. Like finding a barber I'm comfortable with. I've had the same barber for 3 years. I don't want to go through that bitter audition process again. What keeps me back also is the minor inconveniences, not enough money, car breaking down, my health care, etc.

I'll be honest, I'm still grasping at straws here trying to find someone in a more personal manner, to put it lightly. I figured that by moving somewhere else, I'd have a better chance of finding someone who doesn't know me, and I'd be a fresh face. It always worked for me. It's also a fresh start in other aspects. I'd have a clean slate again. We all need second chances to be who we want. I also want to go because of the home life. My family can be on and off sometimes. I just want to leave it all behind and not worry where they lean. Perhaps being away from them will give me the appreciation they want from me.

NOW I think I've found a happy medium for all these: Orlando. Granted another tick in the con's column is possible Swine Flu in the area. I feel the risk is worth it. I'd be not far from friends and family. I'd have relative anonymity. More fields to graze on. My main passion is there too - it's closer to the filmmaking business than Jacksonville would ever be. I will try applying to UCF for the Fall. I think this time around, I'll actually know what I'm doing and have some passion to go there. UWF, I was just going with the flow, not caring if I get in or not. Just going through with it and going wherever the wind blows. But now I think I've got it.

So what I want to do this summer:

I want to actually go to the Jacksonville Film Festival and see some celebrities. Now that I know where my friends live, I'll park there and walk to the Festival. I also want to go to the Riverside Arts Market. Still haven't done that yet.

I want to go to Universal and Islands of Adventure again. I can't get tired of that.

I wanna knock off 1 book per month.

I want to keep on losing weight. At least 2 pants sizes - get back to 32 or 34. I want to get toned as well. Not built, toned and skinny. I feel that is a more acceptable goal. Naturally I am hefty and stocky, I think it's the goombah in me. But in order to do that, I need to cut back on eating out. I'm also rock climbing a lot now. Getting better I might add. I just need to do some cardio, but I hate running. To remedy that, I'm gonna run on the beach. For it is a good view that inspires me.

I don't know what else.